I had been crying for two/three days. With thoughts wildly varying from taking over the world to curling up into a ball and dying. Sometimes I was ok. And then suddenly I wasn’t. In-between the crying I was getting those headaches you get and then once I was feeling better it would start all over again.
I ended up calling my GP surgery and arranging a call back. My thoughts were getting darker and darker. The bright colours that make up how I see the world were getting darker and greyer. Comments online that usually just glide off were like tipped arrow hitting with deadly precision.
And I was becoming ugly and twisted like the world was around me. I couldn’t feel anything positive, couldn’t laugh and couldn’t breathe properly.
Even my own thoughts and worries became weaponised against me with only the odd moments of sardonic wit whispering “You don’t get to be happy”.
It’s stress. I know it is stress. I love my home. I’ve loved it for 12yrs since the moment I moved in. And being ignored by the Council and people I believed in; MPs, MSPs, Councillors that I wasted time campaigning for…believed in – it’s just too much.
I could cope with pain. Chronic pain. And poverty. And being alone. And illness. But it turns out that my home…I don’t want to lose it. And I can’t stop it. I don’t have any power.
I called Breathing Space and they talked it through. Just verbalising it helped calm me down a little bit.
The Crisis Team are sending someone out.
I’m writing this all down. I don’t know if I’ll post it online or not but I want people to know that it’s ok to need help and ask for help.
http://breathingspace.scot/ – 0800 83 85 87
Weekdays: Monday-Thursday 6pm to 2am
Weekend: Friday 6pm-Monday 6am
The Samaritans is also available pretty much 24hr and although I didn’t call them, perhaps the information might help someone else. –
116 123 (UK)
116 123 (ROI)
And I called the NHS Crisis Team in my area.
I think pain was also a massive factor. I’ve had a few good months this year and have struggled this week in particular. I suspect I’m adapting to the new painkillers that were doing so well and it’s hard losing the independence and hope that was building. I was genuinely thinking that if my pain was managed then I could start to build a life again.
My biggest problem with the homelessness thing is the lack of power and support out there. Everyone; Homeless Team, Council, Politicians have used the words ‘probably’, ‘maybe’ and ‘possibly’. No one has actually offered wording or sentences that actually offer any tangible value. And I know this is to cover people’s backs. I understand that. But what type do we live in when the best we can give to a chronically ill person who is going to end up on the streets is a ‘maybe’.
It all feels down to luck and in case anybody hasn’t noticed – I’ve not had a glimmer of luck in three years. Everything I worked for, the degrees I put myself through, the decade I worked at the jobs I loved and the people I cared about were gone faster than you can say the word ‘illness’.
It’s a very lonely life. I’m useless at most social media things but Twitter allows for 140 character bursts which I why I like it. I probably don’t have the energy beyond 140 characters.
It’s a lovely community online. Yes, I’ve had Trolls and yes there are always going to be people that enjoy the misery of others but mostly I’ve had a good experience. I’ve met people I wouldn’t have met any other way and done things that I could only ever dream about – paintings, doing cute drawings and creating unicorns (the latter is a surprisingly divisive thing).
Don’t get me wrong – I’ll never understand people who come onto my account just to criticise the cheerfulness or a rainbow. I’ve never sought out someone just to let them know how shit they are. I think they must be even more miserable than me to do so.
But most of all I really want folk to know that it’s ok to need help. I tend to ask when it’s far too late or not at all. This is the first time in my history that I’ve asked for help before the ship sailed. And it was ok. Nothing has actually tangibly changed in my circumstances– except that people know I need help and it’s out there.
Don’t get me wrong – we could have all done without a Twitter-meltdown. But people were kind and wanted to help and wanted to speak because, and I say this despite still feeling darker, people are mostly good.
You are not alone. Even when it feels that way.
http://breathingspace.scot/ – 0800 83 85 87
Weekdays: Monday-Thursday 6pm to 2am
Weekend: Friday 6pm-Monday 6am
Samaritans (24 hour)
116 123 (UK)
116 123 (ROI)